The Remedy

In looking for a good “I’m thankful” status to judge for today’s post, I ran across an individual whose status was after my own heart. The post was, “I’m thankful for the ‘unfollow’ button so I can hide all of your ‘I’m thankful’ posts from my newsfeed.”

I can certainly get on board with that. I have a number of so-called Facebook Friends whose status updates so greatly annoyed me that I had to employ the feature which prevents their posts from appearing on my newsfeed. I haven’t deleted them from my friends list, but I don’t want to see their daily drivel. I respect one’s right to express one’s thoughts, but that does not mean I wish to be a witness to every thought one has.

Yes, I could utilize the various features Facebook provides to remove the “I’m thankful” posts from my feed, but where would the fun be in that? What would I have to judge? Having said that, I must confess I really appreciate the sentiment expressed by today’s status-of-the-day. Also, sometimes it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my annoyance.

A Month of Thankfulness

So, it’s November again.  The month of Thanksgiving.  The month of pumpkin pies and turkey and dressing, and family dinners.  The month when folks utilize their social media statuses (stati?) to share things for which they are thankful.

In all my years of social media usage, I have yet to succumb to this trend.  In fact, it is a trend I find annoying as hell.  Of course, I am cynical, sarcastic, smart-mouth, and I tend to be a little on the judge-y side.  (Hence the name of this blog.  Duh!)  With that said, I’ll get this out of the way right here: I am thankful for all the things for which I should be thankful.  I am thankful for my health, my friends, my parents, my awesome nephew, my job, my crazy border collies, my sweetie, “my” favorite “daughter”, the fact I have enough to eat and a roof over my head.  That I don’t feel compelled to post a status expressing my gratitude doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, or that I don’t know how truly fortunate I am.  

Now that I’ve done that, here is the real reason for this post.  I was thinking that it has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything.  It’s not that I haven’t been snapping pictures of people far and wide.  I have been.  I just haven’t sat down and devoted my attention to blogging.  It’s not that I haven’t been writing; I have been.  Some of you know what I’m writing.  Some of you don’t, but if you stay tuned, hopefully I’ll have something to report on that front soon.  In considering what to blog about, I thought I’d take advantage of some of the ridiculous “I am thankful for” posts and my truly sarcastic, snarky nature.  Yes, my idea is to post daily in November, utilizing the lamest or most annoying gratitude statuses I can find.  I’m not going to name names, and if necessary I will change the identifying information to protect the irritating.  

It seemed only appropriate to begin with a legitimate acknowledgment of things I’m grateful for, and now I’ve done that — and I’d just like to point out it didn’t take thirty (30) separate posts to do it.  Now it’s off to comb social media for the ridiculousness that I know (based on previous years) is out there.  Here we go!

Does this dress make my…. Oh, nevermind!

We all know that other people seldom cease to amaze, entertain, and/or baffle me.  Today, I am baffled.  I am so baffled, in fact, that I am about to ask a question to which I (obviously) already know the answer.  That question is, “Do people just not think???”

When they roll out of bed in the morning — I’ll let you decide how literally/figuratively I mean “roll” — and throw on their clothes, do they just not think about how things look?  Do they not care whether their tops match their bottoms?  Do they not consider whether what they are wearing is appropriate for the venue in which they will be spending their day?  Do women no longer stop to ponder the age old question “Does this dress make my butt look big?”  

It is the final question that I plan to address in this blog, and I submit to you that the answer to this question is a resounding NO!!!

To support that belief, I offer the following exhibit:

THAT, for those of you who may be battling a glare on your phone/ipad/computer screen, is a muumuu with a gigantic gecko across the, um, posterior.  Right, because it’s always a great idea to emphasize what for many women is a “problem area” by splaying a larger-than-life lizard across it.  Hellooooo?  She has a nastly little lizard hand all grabby-style across her left cheek.  How did anyone decide this was a good idea?  How low must one’s grade have been in design school if this is the kind of garbage they are cranking out?  Does this come with other animals on it?  For instance, are there similar muumuus depicting coyotes howling at the moon, or kitty cats, or, heck, I don’t know, koala bears?  (If there are, I am pretty sure I don’t want to see them.)  And what demented buyer decided they simply had to have a shipment or two of those to fill the racks at their store?  

Look, muumuus are not exactly known for flattering one’s figure anyway.  (Nor, if we are being brutally honest, are they generally worn by those with especially attractive figures in the first place.)  Why, when designing something that is relatively tent-like in shape, would one do things to make the wearer appear even, um, larger?  And, if a muumuu were to exist that would flatter one’s figure, THIS? Is not that muumuu.  In fact, the hands down, no holds barred answer to the question “Does this dress make my butt look big?”, is an undeniable YES!!!  

Well, it’s either that, or her butt is making that gecko look big.  You decide which. 

(Side note: When I sent this picture to my mother, I made a point of specifying to her that this is a “muumuu”, and not a “patio dress”.  Years ago, she and I were selling oodles of stuff on eBay.  How we came to have a couple of muumuus, I honestly have no idea.  I do, however, specifically recall that she would not allow me to call them “muumuus” in the item description on eBay and instead insisted that I describe them as “patio dresses”.  I also recall sitting at her kitchen table “mooing” and laughing till I cried over the great muumuu/patio dress debate.  By the way?  You’d be amazed how quickly those things got snapped up on eBay.)

Rockin’ the Retro

We all know someone whose style is a little less than fashion forward. Whether it is that coworker who just never read the memo advising that “mom jeans” are no longer in style, or that high school classmate whose every Facebook photo looks exactly like the one in their senior picture all the way down to the last over spritzed piece of bangs, at least until one looks close enough to see the wrinkles that the last 20+ years have bestowed upon him/her — Good skin care products, people! They make a difference! — we all have that certain someone we’d like to drag kicking and screaming into a somewhat more fresh look. 

While we are in the vicinity of the subject, I’m seizing the opportunity to say this: I’ve seen enough “Throwback Thursday” photos on Facebook lately to make me want to avoid social media on that offending day of the week. Seriously, folks? Those looks, those clothes, that hair, those photos, were horrendous 20 years ago. They have not improved with age! What do you say you spare us the flashbacks of acid washed jeans, Cosby sweaters, BonnieBell lip gloss and AquaNet hairspray. In the right combinations, that nonsense might be enough to being on a bout of PTSD! 

With all of that in mind, I give you…. This guy: 

He is rocking it. He is owning it. He is committed to it. (And possibly, he needs to be committed for all of that.) Everything about him, from his Joe Dirt mullet to his gold 1990-something Camaro screams “retro”. While the car was pretty cool back in the day, I think we can all see how utterly ridiculous the rest of his look is, and honestly, how ridiculous it was, even back then. 

Surely this guy has friends or family. Actually, he opened the passenger door for a female prior to my snapping this photo. One would think someone might help him escape the time warp and update his look. Bless his heart. 

Back with a Vengence

Today my first heavy court week of 2013, and it was with high hopes for new Judgment fodder that I entered my first courthouse (of five) for the week. I have to say, I have not yet been disappointed.

I mean, seriously? Who wears a LACE top to court? In what universe is that acceptable court attire? Not to mention the fact it was 25* outside this morning. Seriously? I nearly froze between my car and the courthouse this morning, and i can assure you, I was wearing a court-appropriate suit, not ill-fitting lace club attire. The only thing I can say in her favor is this: thank goodness for the black tank top she wore under her pink lace. Sheesh. And I don’t mean to be harsh — yeah, right — but she is only a bag of Oreos away from being indistinguishable from her sister (seen standing beside her), at which point that lace is going to be an even worse idea! (Bless her heart.)

The Twelve Days of Judgment Challenge

A few weeks ago, my friend Tracey over at The Ambiguous Fairy Tale asked me to be a guest-blogger for her blog.  Today, in the first-ever post by a guest-blogger on Judged by Jenn, she is returning the favor — and issuing a challenge.  (I can’t wait to tackle this one!)  Clearly, Tracey and I are cut from the same cloth, for she knows my holiday mantra: ’tis the season to judge — and she has provided me with much motivation to do so, as you will see below.  Further evidence?  She recently wrote a wickedly funny post about those blasted Elf on a Shelf things that, I swear, perfectly echoed my thoughts on the little &@$%@#&$.  (What’s in the Box?)

Go on, check out Tracey’s challenge to me, and when you’re finished, go check out her blog, The Ambiguous Fairy Tale.  After all, everyone loves a Fairy Tale.

The Twelve Days of Judgment Challenge

There are 2 things I know well about my friend Jenn:

1. She knows a sartorial faux pas when she sees one.
2. She is the best damn surreptitious photographer I’ve ever known.

So I thought it would be entertaining to put Jenn’s skills to the test….a scavenger hunt of judgment, if you will.

Here’s how this is going to work:

Jenn has 12 days to snap surreptitous photos of the fashion fiascos listed below. You, Jenn’s readers, may help. If you come across any of the following, drop Jenn an email including the photo. Here is the catch:   if Jenn can’t come up with proof of each item on the list within the twelve days, she has to meet me for lunch wearing any combination of the ensembles of my choosing. If she does meet the challenge, lunch is on me.   Fair enough?

Here we go:

1. Pajamas bottoms and a cartoon t-shirt, in public (you get a bonus point if the pants have cartoon characters, too.)

2. Any combination of too much camo (We live in AR. How hard can this be?)

3. Leggings in need of a tunic top. (Nuff said)

4. Size-inappropriate pants.

5. Underwear issues (think whale tail, pants of the ground, panty lines)

6. Oops! I forgot my bra today! (This is a no brainer. Have you BEEN to Walmart?)

7. Too. Much. Sparkle. (It’s the holidays; this should be EASY)

8. Tacky Christmas sweater (Had to)

9. Crocs and socks. (Again, thank goodness for Walmart, the god of endless blog fodder)

10. Eyeshadow….LOTS of eyeshadow.

11. Summer clothes, winter weather.

12. Clothes and/or jewelry that light up. (Because nothing says Happy Holidays like flashing earrings. Sorry, Mom)

Game on, Jenn.  Game on.

A Few Words About Thankfulness

Before we get too deep into December, I wanted to say a few words about November & thankfulness.

Unlike many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances, I did not spend the days of November enumerating the the blessings in my life or the things for which I am thankful. Of course I am thankful for my friends, my family (the one I was born into and the one I have dated into the last 3.5 years), the people I love, my health, my fur-babies, the fact that I am employed, etcetera. Why didn’t I spend the month of November sharing with the masses 30 things for which I am grateful? Because the masses don’t give a rat’s rear about my gratitude any more than I give one about theirs.

I’m sorry, was that harsh? Too bad.

I spend an inordinate amount of time rolling my eyes at posts on Facebook as it is. Some people apparently thrive on drama and attention-seeking behavior. Why do I read their chatter? Look, I have as hard a time looking away from a train wreck as the next person. On the other hand, I don’t care so much to have everyone I know up in every aspect of my life. November was a month that increased the eye-rolling exponentially. Seriously. It is a wonder I could even see where I was going for much of the month since my eyes spent so much more time rolled into the back of my head than looking forward.

I’m not saying don’t be thankful for the good things in your life, but seriously? When you are posting about absolutely ludicrous things — free powerball tickets? Online Black Friday shopping? Leftover Halloween Candy? Friday? That the season of cheesy Christmas sweaters has arrived??? — perhaps it’s time to stop posting. You, my friend, have effectively reached the bottom of the barrel. Please stop scraping.

I am not saying I don’t appreciate a cup of coffee from Starbucks, or that I don’t rejoice when the number on my scale decreases by a few pounds (or when the weight on the barbell I’m lifting increases by a few pounds), or that I am not happy as a little dead pig lying in the sunshine when I liberate my feet from a pair of particularly uncomfortable shoes at the end of a long day in court. And honestly, I am not saying I am not somewhat self-centered, shallow and superficial. But there is enough going on below the surface that I don’t think those are the sorts if things the pilgrims sat around expressing gratitude for, nor do I think those are the “blessings” Thanksgiving is supposed to be about.

That’s just my opinion. (And I am “thankful” that I have both a platform & the ability to share it.)

With that said, I am extra thankful that November is over and I don’t have to read “Thirty Days of Gratitude” posts again for another year.