My eyes! My eyes!

So, today was yet another court appearance for me.  For a change, I didn’t see anything eye-catching  or horrifying in the Courthouse, but if I’d had a citation book and a Commission from the Fashion Police, I could have and would have issued tickets all around town.  Here are some of the highlights.

This young lady was walking down the sidewalk in front of the courthouse.  I’m not sure what, if anything she had on under that very large, very long, white t-shirt.  I do know that she was parading up and down the sidewalk in said white t-shirt and a pair of flip-flops smoking a cigarette.  As my friend Shelli would say, “Klassy with a K.”  I’m going to suggest that when wearing a t-shirt that is clearly not intended as a t-shirt dress, it is best to wear bottoms, whether they be shorts, a skirt, capris, leggings, or pants that can be seen under said t-shirt.  Heck! Even jeggings would be preferable to this look.  This t-shirt, I am confident, was not sold as a t-shirt dress.  In fact, I’d wager this one has a couple of identical buddies somewhere that came from the same plastic package at the local dollar store.  This is not a good look, and a cigarette is never an appropriate accessory.  Just sayin’.  

After seeing the Plain-White-Tee chick, I drove literally half a block down the street — half a block — before I found myself longing for the citation book again.  Here’s why:

In addition to standing slightly in the street yapping on her cell phone, girlfriend was rocking the aqua blue bun.  Wow!  And from the rest of her outfit, I’m hard-pressed to say she looks like the type to go with “cotton candy” when selecting her hair color.  It was quite a day for unnatural hair colors though.  Just a few blocks away I spotted a girl I wish I’d been quick enough to get a picture of.  She had on a black shirt with bright pink polka dots, and her hair was a very vibrant pink to match. Speechless.  

A few more blocks down the road, I observed this gentleman outside what may have been the hospital.  Look, I’m not knocking the guy for being a patient.  I don’t know what ails him, but I certainly wish him the best.  What caught my attention where his printed pajama/lounge bottoms, his hospital gown, and the cigarette he was smoking.  I’m sure his physicians are just tickled pink he is stepping outside breath of fresh, I mean smoke-polluted, air.  Gross.  The way he was sporting the gown, he was showing a good bit of skin, especially when the wind blew.  Oh, and are those paper gowns flammable?  I’m not being hateful; I’m just trying to figure out how taking a cigarette break in a paper hospital gown on a windy day is a good idea.  Okay, maybe the gown isn’t paper, but really?  Someone bring this guy a real robe.  And again I say, cigarettes are never appropriate fashion accessories.

And finally, we have what is most assuredly the most egregious fashion disaster of the day.  And lest you think she caught me snapping her picture, let me assure you she was looking at the folks making noise coming off the elevator directly behind me.  

As I explained to a friend, this deserves more than a citation from the fashion police; it deserves full-on incarceration, with the sentence to be served at fashion boot camp.  There is so much wrong with this outfit, I truly don’t know where to start.  Oh, wait!  I’ll start with this: she was wearing this as a dress!!!  While it might have worked as a dress on someone whom it fit properly, I’m going to go out on a limb and say this young lady was not such an individual.  The fact that every unsightly bump and bulge covered by this dress is also emphasized by this dress, the fact that the cellulite on her legs is on full display, the “matching” house slippers, and the fact that her posterior is just barely covered were among my first clues, bless her heart.  (Note: In the South we say “Bless her heart” to temper whatever unflattering but exceedingly truthful comment we just made.  Throwing out a “bless her heart” is intended to take the sting out of any unking words one might have said.  This seems like a “bless her heart” moment.)  I am pretty sure this “dress” (to use the word loosely) was tighter than her actual skin.  I can’t imagine that such a thing could have been even remotely comfortable or easy to get in and out of.   

After this one, I opted to take refuge in my hotel room for the remainder of the evening.  At the rate I was going, each “sighting” was worse than the last, and I honestly didn’t want to risk seeing whatever might be worse this that last one.  I’m not sure my eyes or my camera could have taken it.  


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